I’m Stuck: Depressed and Full of Self-Hate
If you prefer to listen, here's the podcast version of this post:
This is for anyone stuck in a place of self-hate and inaction. Someone who is in a shitty place in life, depressed and hopeless: hating on themselves, where they are, and at a loss for where to go from here. Maybe you have people in your life who love and encourage you and you hate that you’re bringing them down – yet you can’t figure out why your life just sucks so much when others get to be happy. You feel it is unfair for both of you.
Heads up: if you suffer severe depression, this post is probably not for you. I know that chronic depression is one of the hardest things to battle and for some, it’s paralyzing – like worse than death. I am terrified of depression – it’s the worst kind of pain I have ever lived with. So if you suffer that, you might not like this post – because it assumes that you have some power in the situation. If you are a sufferer who is incapacitated by your depression, this is not for you. I feel for you, and when I have enough to offer you, I will create an episode just for you.
There are three parts. The what, the why and the how. Let’s do this! xo
Part 1: The What
A shitty life you can’t seem to solve for. You can’t figure out what you love. You aren’t even sure who you are – what you’re good at, what makes you happy, or what path to pursue. Maybe you recently hit a dead-end in a creative pursuit or a professional one, and because that’s so intertwined with your identity, your feelings about yourself are getting dragged down with it: “I have no calling, therefore I don’t know who I am.” And no advice seems right to you – and that doesn’t feel fair, because left and right people in your life are doing what makes them happy and growing as a result. So you’re feeling shit on by the universe every time you start to invest hope in anything. Whatever path you start to head down feels like a waste of time, because you know yourself and you don’t believe in the outcome being a reality, so why keep going? You feel like others are moving faster than you and getting what they want even though they’re not as talented or capable as you, which makes you even more depressed. Maybe you did find a worthy path but it didn’t work out, so you’re now suffering the loss of hope – and in your current state of life, nothing seems to change.
And maybe lots of well-intentioned people suggest solutions to you – but they’re just not for you. You think, “Sure, I could go to therapy, I could go back to school, or attend a new-agey retreat all about self-discovery– and waste a butt load of money. “I know what a therapist is going to say to me before I even walk in the door. I know how that bullshit works and I don’t need someone to tell me to love myself more. I went to school and it gave me nothing but debt— my friend went to a retreat and it didn’t work –it’s just not the thing for someone like me.” And the fact that loved ones constantly suggest the same obvious things makes you annoyed and feel even more hopeless, because you know yourself so well and the solution can only come from you. Since you’re at a loss and you’ve tried everything and considered every option, maybe there really is no hope. Most people don’t “get” you and they can’t tell you anything you haven’t already heard – it’s something you need to solve for yourself.
Maybe you’ve been in this state of life for a while and it’s recently gone from tolerable to toxic: the ups and downs of depression are creating a lower and lower baseline. More often than not you end up back in this dark room that is your shitty life – you hate yourself, where you are, you feel talentless, fed up and unmotivated, with no clear direction. And it’s not like you’re not aware of what needs to happen! You know you need to do something about it, but you can’t seem to shake it. For some reason you’re just stuck and you can’t figure out what to do.
And the help that seems to arrive for everyone else just isn’t showing up for you: the universe isn’t sending you any signs, no matter how much you beg. Your life is at a dead end and nothing on the horizon seems promising – all your Google searches, outreach emails, your smart and resourceful friends– your world is tapped out of opportunities. And so now, you’re simply existing: overcome by the banality of life.
If that sounded totally true for you – as though you had said it yourself, then this is written for you.
Part 2: The Why
How did you reach this point? Well it’s a very layered issue and the exact how is specific to you: it depends on how you grew up and how you have dealt with feelings about yourself. To keep it simple, I’ll reduce the why to what I see as the big universals. There are five major factors at play.
Here’s how the fear acts in this equation: You are making a lot of excuses to stay the way you are. It’s coming from a place of fear of change, and it’s totally unconscious. You’re stalling but giving it another label. Telling yourself you’re powerless. And you’re not. I don’t blame you! It’s really scary to try new things and invest yourself 100% - work really hard with all of yourself, not knowing what will happen – but you’ve faced the worst pain you’ll ever feel in your life - already, and you’ve survived it. You put your self out there and been smashed a bunch – and you grew as a result. That’s the worst it will ever be and you’ve lived it already. So be brave about continuing forward, because you are definitely not helping yourself right now, and you’re definitely not helping life be as awesome as it could be by staying the same. You’re destroying your own happiness as a way to stay safe from change. You’re hurting yourself MORE than the outside world will hurt you by staying the way you are. You might be shaking your head while you read this – because it doesn’t feel true. You likely have no connection to the fear in your conscious mind — that’s how fear works. In the backstage area – pulling invisible strings. It’s a subconscious operating system, not one you can readily identify – because for the most part, when we as a culture have negative feelings, we numb them.
Fear will use lies to exert control over your decisions. It doesn’t show up wearing a “Fear” staff t-shirt. It shows up in the form of control. It will tell you, “I know best. I know I won’t gain anything from therapy.” You can fill in the blank at the end of that sentence – it can be anything, and it will be false. To say you know what will be is false. That is an ignorant belief coming from not wanting to try and it’s not motivated by truth. Because in truth, you have no idea. No one does. Everything you experience from this point forth in your life will be new – and to believe that everything will be the same – that every person you will encounter will never tell you anything you don’t know, is a false belief. One coming from a very controlling place inside you: I choose what I accept and what I won’t. Nothing is allowed to affect me. It is the voice of a person who believes they know best, and therefore, no one can help them.
Depression is a spiteful motherfucker. It keeps you incapacitated – without energy, viewing your life through a grey haze of ugly and stupid. So when you’re chemically compromised, you have to act doubly against that factor. You have to hand the keys over to your highest self and act according to your rational logic. Right now, you’re allowing your actions to be guided by your pain vs. your rational, highest self.
Depression is a super powerful factor in your situation because it both creates your situation and reinforces itself. It’s like a big demon catch-22. Most of it originates from frustration with yourself and your inaction. Like a prisoner who is torturing their self and feeling sick that they deserve it. Additional depression results from the shittiness of the situation itself: you hate where you are, and that is a bummer. On top of those two factors, the chemicals of depression self-perpetuate – creating a tolerance to the pain, which grows into a literal addiction to feeling more of it. And so it maintains itself at higher and higher levels, giving you more depression and more inaction.
All unvented anger and frustration converts into depression – so if you’ve been tolerating a lifetime of this self-abuse, it’s likely converted into low self-worth and inspired you to not believe in yourself.
Depression also happens when you lose hope of change spontaneously finding you – the magic pebble on my path! That’s what I need to reach my happiness. Initially, the fear is curbed by placing the power of your future into the hands of something external: a paycheck, a title, a partner, a number on a scale: something outside of you that will show up on your doorstep and give you the right leverage. Once the hope of the external factor evaporates, then you receive a new wave of depression and hopelessness. “I can’t get there by myself – therefore, I’m just fucked.” This belief is also a fear-based excuse for staying the same: you took away your own power by empowering other things outside of you. Because you’re wishing on the shooting star, you can’t see that there’s a door right behind you if you choose to use it.
In all ways, depression is a huge factor in the creation of your situation because it creates more of itself – so if you’ve been wallowing for a while, it’s likely grown stronger to the point of becoming a chemical addiction: one you’re totally unaware of. Just like anger releases chemicals that people become addicted to, so does pain. So if you are in the habit of remaining focused on your unhappiness – you’re now creating more of a habit of being unhappy – out of nothing. In other words, it’s now being created by the original feeling, itself vs. organically coming out of your life. You deepened the baseline of your depression reservoir! That’s why it’s important to medicate the chemicals of your negative emotions as soon as they enter your body: with frequent use, they train in neural-pathways and therefore you’ll be more inclined to become this way in the future. Stop focusing on the pain – distract yourself asap.
When intelligent people are aware of their ability and yet, do nothing about it – it creates a perfect storm of depression, self-hate plus an irrational belief in the worthlessness of others. You’re a very intelligent person stuck in a depressed, self-hating person’s body, so there is an extra layer of anger and depression lumped onto you. To silently witness your own self-torture is horrifying: “How can I be doing nothing? I know I am capable of so much more!” This feeling in itself is enraging, and that rage over time converts to more depression. Yay.
You likely knew this about yourself growing up – maybe you witnessed it time and time again – that you were smarter than adults. Maybe you knew what they were thinking or you could manipulate them easily. And maybe you hated them for being stupid but hated more that you were smarter and it wasn’t obvious to everyone what was going on with you. And that depressed you – made you feel even more alone in the world, because you couldn’t feel safe. How could everyone be so the-same – I’m just a different breed, and no one will ever get me like I get me. And that’s the other common belief contributing to your situation: no one gets me. No one can help me.
4. Bad Track Record
By this I mean a series of experiences that told you that everyone in the world was incapable and you were alone. It’s unfortunate if you had formative experiences with adults who failed you, because it forms in your adult self the belief that everyone in the world is the same: inept, unaware, and incapable of helping you. You are a self-aware person, therefore if you grew up with adults who were incapable of helping you or seeing your pain, you lost hope in the world. It’s extremely common to grow up with a belief like this – and what’s unfortunate is it’s the result of a bad coincidence: if you had a bunch of stupid role models, you will believe that most people are stupid. Which is not true in the world, but it was true of your experiences. A bad track record can define your adult viewpoint, which in turn damages your life — because you will create the belief around yourself by looking for it. The ineptitude of others becomes a belief you seek to validate as you move through life. “I KNEW this wouldn’t work. People are always wrong about me and my life.”
And what a terrifying belief to hold: “I know better than everyone else. I know more than a therapist. I know more than a teacher. I know more than anyone else I will ever meet about how to help myself.” If you were young and really needed help and no one could see you were suffering, or perhaps they did but did nothing about it. This kind of experience will actually create a mistrust of humanity. Because you see the world through the eyes of someone who felt abandoned, vulnerable and suffering – yet given no help. What a devastating experience to not be saved from pain. It’s something often internalized by children as, “I wasn’t good enough to help.” Which in turn creates a very self-loathing adult with little faith in others. Why? Because we all filter the world through our feelings about our selves. When you are confident, you see great things in others. When you’re not, you see flaws. It becomes your lens.
What is key about this bad-track-record logic, is it’s false – it’s the logic of a child who encountered a lot of incapable people. It is not an accurate representation of reality, just your particular experience. It’s hard to believe that if you’ve never found a wise person who could tell you things you didn’t know. But that person exists, 100% without a doubt. If you don’t believe me, it’s because you haven’t found them yet. Keep looking. Why I’m saying this is a factor in your situation — is your beliefs are blocking your access to help that is around you, right now. You are blinded by your narrow scope of vision, right now.
5. A Pervasive Universal Milestone
I don’t know how old you are, but this state of being is extremely common to reach in your 30’s – it’s when a lot of shifting takes place internally, and we must face whatever beliefs we have inside ourselves. We reach a threshold for covering feelings we have held deep down inside for a very long time. Call it the, “seeing reality for what it is” threshold: when the novelty of life experiences wears off and you can see what’s in store for you with a bit more accuracy. So you’ve experienced a lot of stuff, nothing is new and exciting anymore, or the shine of any personal badges has worn off, and with it your reason to feel hopeful about anything new and life changing on the horizon. It’s similar to when a kid loses their sense of inhibition – except this is a symptom of adulthood. I know this is a sad description but I am telling you to make you know you’re in good company! So don’t worry! Yes, there is an end to this phase and no, it’s not who you will be forever. We all get hit by a special version of reality around this age, and it’s tied to a conflict with what you want to believe about yourself and what you really feel, deep down. So if you’re in early adulthood, this is right on schedule for you! I hit this closer to 29 because I was working on a bunch of other shit – so I guess that makes me advanced? But friends of mine have hit closer to 40. It shows up as a super painful loss of identity and direction – the sudden realization that you don’t like or know yourself at all.
If you’re not in that age group, it doesn’t matter – we all run into identity crisis’s on our own time, and it’s a very positive sign! A sign of change afoot: it’s telling you that you are in progress. So what you’re meant to do, now, is not fully resolved. Which is a great thing! Because at the very least it’s something. The worst part of a state of stuckness is that it’s nowhere, and there’s no tool to fix it! Purgatory/life-limbo with no up and no down – just infinite same. Yuck. I know. The worst. So with that, let’s get to the good stuff. The tools.
Part 3: The Tools
I will try to break it down for you so that this limbo feels more in your control – I hope to empower you to create a bit of momentum– because right now your goal is to create anything new. You want new information about yourself and to gain some solid footing in any different direction.
Before I get started, I want to tell you that your brain is not to be listened to right now. It’s not on your side, so I want you to try and listen to these tools as though I have something to offer you – and act on them rationally, DESPITE your brain. From this point forth, go against your brain in every proactive action you take – because it will tell you, “This is the same— I’ve heard this one before. This is just like the other thing that didn’t work— I know where this is going…” etc. Basically it will talk you out of investing in anything that might instigate change.
You are blinded by your own brain, and that brain has a lot of sway in what you do with your body — so as a first step, I’d like you to take a moment to become aware of that fact. From now on you are going to have to act in spite of your own brain – like literally go against what you want to do. You’re going to have to act from your highest self: the self who is acknowledging the validity what you’re hearing right now– and throw yourself into actions even when you’re depressed and really not into the idea. The other voice in your head – is your monkey brain. It’s the voice of your fear— that’s trying to find flaw with everything I’m saying. It will be the voice that attempts to control what happens and it will try to make you choose inaction and tell you to close off and shut down. It will try to keep you the same by saying things like, “Fuck that – this is dumb. Who are we kidding anyway? This isn’t going to amount to anything. This is a waste of time. I know better than everyone.” Etc. So the key is to understand this rationally, and push yourself toward openness. Act according to your highest knowledge – not your lowest, base-level chemically depressed brain – and welcome ALL newness in so that it might change you.
Begin to notice where you build walls and immediately break them down. Because to control what you want to know, what you want to try, what you want to let in– is actually to protect yourself from change. By not trying suggestions of others, you are making excuses to stay in your comfort zone. You THINK you are basing your decisions off of self-knowledge, but you are wrong. You are simply being controlling. This keeps you in the same state instead of allowing things from outside of you to change you and teach you newness. A lot of the time when you choose from that place of “I know better,” you’re wrong – and somewhere deep down, you know that, yet you choose from that depressed/self-indulgent wallowing place, anyway. THAT invisible force is fear.
Why take my advice? Because what you’re doing is not working. You have to change. Since you’re not getting far by choosing your fate, I recommend you begin throwing anything and everything at the problem — despite yourself. I am speaking of broadening your willingness to try things: having no preset judgments of those things, and trying things that are totally left field from who you are – even things you assume you won’t like. All that will happen is you will gain new insight into who you are – which is truly the solution to your state, right now. To allow truth to come forth and welcome the insight that will alight the path you’re meant to follow. When you know yourself, what makes you happy will be visible. So to create the right conditions for understanding, you’ll need to get out of your own head. Your stuck-ways are maintained by your routine. So invite NEW. New people, new experiences, new places, new stops in your routine. It is when you bring in constant newness and force yourself out of your pain-routine, that you begin to change. You hear things for the first time, you witness new facets of yourself and that is when the path finds you. The path to your job/identity/self.
I know how it feels to be in your spot – it’s easy to get stuck there. What I see is someone staring at their feet and growing depressed that they are not wearing the right shoes. Your brain has proven to be a dark enemy for some time now so REALIZE THAT and act against it. And most importantly – stop allowing yourself the habit of hating on yourself (which is indulgent and an addiction you have grown) and redirect your attention like you might with any other OCD habit. It’s like staring at a zit in the mirror— STOP THAT!! Demand from yourself that you be more disciplined about your wallowing – right now you allow it to control you, which is how it gains its momentum. Instead of choosing to be a victim, seek any and all help possible. Be bold!
Remember the right path is not won by anyone but you. No one is supposed to give you this thing – no one owes this to you – not fate, not luck, not the universe. Making demands of the universe is like wishing on a star, which is not how it works! That’s a cop out – you’re making yourself a victim who doesn’t have to try. Blaming life-events and a lack of opportunities removes your control in this situation: it’s like an excuse for not investing in yourself, all the way. “But I have to give up. The universe is against me.” That’s an excuse to indulge in pain. Notice that you’re chemically addicted to that feeling and choose from your rational logic to move on. You KNOW better but you don’t act from that place. Start acting in alignment with what you know you’re capable of, and stop making excuses for yourself in the form of your “this is my lot in life” lies. False beliefs stop many of us from change so put them down already! They’re tired.
You need to take a more proactive role in furthering yourself. And you need to stop focusing on the “everything is so bad” part – that’s the preoccupation that is distracting you and keeping you stuck. Life’s only hard because you’re saying it’s hard – and allowing your depressed chemicals to rule your actions. Depression is a motherfucker but you have to stop allowing it to speak for you and take the reins back so that you can control what you do with your day. YOU decide how you act, what you say, and what you allow to destroy your year. NOT your chemical depression. And the fact that you’re allowing it to do that – to me, speaks of choosing to be a victim without control, instead of activating your own power. You have it. You’re just choosing not to use it – you’re making it okay for yourself, as if it’s impossible, and it’s not. That is an excuse. I digress. Ahem. And now, the tools…
1. Reduce the Facts
Like a big boiling mess of muck, you’re overwhelmed by the badness and lack of contrast. Everything feels connected and same. So this is a journal exercise for you to make things what they are so that you can deal with them effectively. Because right now they’re lumped into “my shitty life” and in reality, some factors can be affected, some can’t. This will help you discern the difference between the two. What you’re going to do is reduce the facets of your stuckness down to individual categories.
Reduce your current state of identity to what it is:
Yet to be known. In progress. Something you are allowing yourself to figure out, right now. Something that cannot be rushed. An answer that does not exist just yet and therefore, is out of your control.
Reduce your current emotional state to what it is:
A series of deep depressions that come and eventually go, that perhaps need to be managed better so that they don’t take hold with such fervor. This might inform a decision to enact new healthy practices to help even out your chemicals.
Reduce your physical state to what it is:
You are alive, you are safe, you have a support system you can call on, you are capable of taking care of yourself, you are accountable, you have a place to sleep, you are fed, you are actively taking steps to help yourself – right now.
Reduce your professional life to what it is:
Going through reevaluation. Not yet solved. In need of change based on internal shifting.
Reduce down the state of your love life, if that’s a thing in your pot of muck. Maybe these examples are not all accurate to you at all – but grab your journal and do this one for yourself. Break down the individual items that make up your bummed self. If you’re listening to my list and wondering how you can know what is and is out of your control – it is the stuff related to the future and what’s going on inside you. You can be proactive about getting to know yourself – and that’s what this podcast is all about. Allowing the truth to come forth. But it cannot be forced – you can’t Google your way to the answer. It’s an answer that only comes from deep inside YOU. And when you find that answer – by bravely and patiently allowing it to come forth without judgement, and then you HONOR it by following what it tells you – you will find yourself doing something similar to me, right now. Fulfilling a passion that you could do for the rest of your life – for free – just because it calls to you. I don’t want to take you into the self-helpy realm that gets most of us depressed, so let’s get back to the tools. Yay.
2. Borrow Brains
Your brain is not your friend right now. So when you get stuck and are in need of the most helpful next-step for you to take, borrow someone else’s logic. Literally ask yourself what a healthy, driven friend of yours would choose to do and act according to their logic. I do that all the time: “What would Alicia do?” “What would Janet do?” “What would Zooey do?” It works magical wonders! If you don’t have a friend that can help you out, anyone you admire – like an author or podcaster.
3. Assume You’re Wrong
The self-protective ego in you will resist any new information and continue to reinforce why you’re right, you’re trying everything you can, and none of this will help you. THAT is the voice of the self-protective brain. To get yourself into taking actions that might open you, assume – by default – that your brain is wrong. Assume everyone else who is trying to help you – is right. That they have a valid point, and you’re not allowing yourself to hear it. I love this one. It’s so awesome, because it forces you to re-hear things as a default. So if you’re in an argument with someone and you are depressed at their suggestions, stop – and look at the exact same conversation but with the assumption that you are wrong and they are right. Deduce how that could be so, just like a detective.
4. Watch for the Walls
This one was inspired by Mike – thanks Mike! Imagine we’re in an olden magical time of castles and misty fields – like a Monty Python movie basically – and in this realm there are walls that spontaneously pop out of the ground, blocking you in. And they’re activated by you - whenever certain topics come up. So this tool is about learning to recognize the signs – what are the words you say? What are the phrases that repeatedly come out of your mouth when you’re deciding to shut down?
In situations where you might tend to get defensive, stay alert and EXAMINE yourself. Notate your behavior and literally write down the words you begin to hear yourself say.
Your job is to keep your eyes peeled for those trigger words when you start to refuse openness and instead shut down. This is helpful because it empowers you to change. When walls go up, your self-protective self is saying “no” to what threatens you. The goal is to invite new information and insight into yourself – despite the self-protective ego that is saying, “Fuck off. I’m right.” So watch yourself – like a silent observer inside your own brain whenever you see a wall go up. Look for the words that seem to come up for you – it might be something deceptively normal like, “I can’t because—” Or, “You don’t understand.” Or, “I’ll figure it out.”
5. Say Yes to Newness
By this I just mean get out of your routine and into some totally weird and new experiences. It helps to attach yourself to someone else who is already living life this way – because then you can just follow right behind them. So choose a friend or new group of friends and do what they do, even when it’s sooo not your thing. Things that sound really uncomfortable–that are unfamiliar and seem like they’d take a lot of energy. For example, a dream interpretation class. Or a sci-fi convention out of state. Volunteer! Not for the newness reason but because it will alleviate some of the depression to help people. It’s a super powerful medicine – no joke – try it out!
You might be thinking, “If something doesn’t interest me, isn't that a clear indication that it's something I won’t like?”
Nope. Your brain isn’t helping you make the right choices. It’s telling you to stay the same. So in short, zag. Force change by trying things that make you feel uncomfortable. I don’t mean you should start stripping but I do mean realize you know nothing of what anything in this world has to offer you. You keep telling yourself that you do, but that is false. Stop controlling what you will receive as valuable and look at everything as new. A therapist you would see in the future will be nothing like the one you saw in the past – you cannot assume you know anything. To believe that is irrational. You’re not God and the future hasn’t been written yet.
I want to address the self-hate element of existing in a state like this. Your brain will make a case with any and all information to prove to you that you suck. That you have a valid reason for feeling incompetent or like a loser. But all of that is false. The logic is bunk. The perception is part of a self-indulgent hate-on-myself-party, and you need to rationally understand that it is not helping you to wallow in these thoughts. It’s keeping you in the same spot. To me it is a sign your brain is chemically depleted of happy chemicals and you need to stop validating the thinking and instead distract yourself by taking healthy actions.
You are the most rational and capable of seeing reality when you are happy, and right now you’re swimming in some very nasty chemicals – so you are telling yourself some very dark things. It’s your job to block them as much as you possibly can at all times so that you can move out of this spot. Stop looking at your feet and look up so you can start to walk.
Telling yourself that you’re an incapable loser who can’t do anything is a self-protective excuse. You’re allowing yourself not to try everything. You’re CHOOSING helplessness. You haven’t pushed yourself nearly far enough. Stop reinforcing your walls or giving your power away to external factors. Break down any and every wall you put up for yourself. As soon as you catch yourself saying, “I can’t/don’t/I’m not—” Stop it. Choose to stay open to all possibilities and assume you don’t know, and that voice inside you who says it knows better is a liar.
You might even be sick of wallowing, and yet – you are still allowing yourself to do it. Why waste so much time? You’re not using your own power – it’s almost like you are watching yourself instead of stopping yourself, and you keep referring to yourself as a powerless victim when in fact you are not. Stop making yourself separate from your body. YOU are the one who chooses inaction so start choosing differently. Choose the opposite of what “you” would do and accept that you’re not going to KNOW who you are or what you’re meant to do – until that answer arrives. Truth can only be known, not figured out. The big identity light bulbs come from outside you – when you allow things to change you. They arrive from somewhere new, outside of your routine – insight gifted to you like a lightning bolt. It’s arrogant to believe you can solve for the future from inside a self-hating, self-imposed bubble. The answers aren’t baked yet, and they’re going to come from somewhere far outside of your apartment or your gym. Be patient and keep moving toward newness - otherwise you might miss it.
And lastly, don’t worry if your head is spinning right now. Know that not everything has to make sense in this very moment. It’s a lot to wrap your head around, and you don’t have to solve for where you will be in a month, or what your life will look like in a year. Just start with soaking up the intention: to be open and push yourself past your walls. Allow that to be the one thing you focus on. Changing your intention as you approach today. Distract yourself from your wallowing patterns and have faith that if you invite change with everything you’ve got, it will begin to happen.
I hope you got something helpful from this and I hope this wasn’t too harsh for you. Know that it’s coming from a very loving place, and is meant to be helpful. Even though it was super tough-lovey. I wish you clarity in this moment – invite it into yourself. Keep going and double your efforts. Be open to everything. Assume you know nothing about what will come from something –remain open as a permanent state of being. When you hear words like therapy or school or dream interpretation class, say instead, “I know nothing about what that will be like. I have no idea how I will feel.” Accept powerlessness. Embrace it and love it! Accept you’re in the middle of the ocean and there are no boats. Really tolerate that fact and stop flailing. Remember where you’re wasting energy and redirect your focus back to what is helpful. And it never hurts to smile…