Why do we destroy relationships with those who love us? Why do break our own trust, betray our dreams and rob ourselves of happiness and safety as soon as we get close to it. It’s a mystifying loop of behavior that has powerful effects on everything in life: a chain reaction that keeps us hiding or running from the ugly truth of what we’ve done. Just like an addict, you might live with a subconscious awareness that you will inevitably destroy whatever good you might have – and that anxiety is the backdrop of every moment. And so you self-medicate the fear, work harder, try new ways to become a different person and cling more tightly to what you desperately want...Read More
This is my personal list of what to look for when choosing a therapist, plus a few basic tactics to attack the task. Take what helps and leave the rest! It’s an amazing and important gift to give yourself and it’s more worth it than anything you will spend money on for the rest of your life – quite simply, because it will change your life – everything about it and everyone in it – for the better.Read More
Why sometimes people aren’t honest with us and sometimes we’re not honest with ourselves.
This one’s written for a person who contacted me who’s newly single and dating quite a bit. He has a few different partners and has had a lot of difficulty saying he is doing so because it goes against everything he wants in the moment.
I want to talk about honesty and dishonesty and how it comes into play in relationships. So if you’re the type of person who dates and doesn’t tell the other person where you’re really at – or if you’re super jealous and suspicious about your partner and it drives you mad, this is for you.Read More
This is for anyone who is insecure or has a hard time with confidence at work or socially. This is part one of a two part episode. Part two will be solely focused on how to ask for a raise and how to tell someone your value when you apply for a new job. For this post I am going to focus on tools to enable you at work and in life in the face of fear and insecurity. Maybe you are introverted or sensitive, so this prevents you from speaking up or saying what you think. Or maybe when you do assert yourself it hurts to hear what people say back to you that’s critical. Maybe you feel intimidated by those around you and they use that knowledge to make you feel worse.
There are three parts! The what, why, and how – the tools! Whoo!Read More
I know the holidays are just a few days away– which can bring up a ton of uncomfortable feelings, especially if you have not-so-loving-family or in-laws who make you feel excluded or like you’ll tear your hair out. This is for anyone with family who are supposed to be nice but instead, make your relationship difficult. Maybe they constantly divide you and your spouse, instigating arguments – pushing your spouse to take sides or turn against you. Maybe you’ve even tried making peace, being the bigger person and reaching out with different olive branches – but nothing seems to help the situation. The heartbreak and hurt of an unloving, unsupportive family can be excruciating during the holidays – and with all the stress, you might feel like you’re going crazy.Read More
Are you guided by a belief that something is wrong with you? That you’re not good enough, and that you can barely keep people fooled about the fact that you’re smart. Maybe you constantly seek out the likeness of someone worthy but always seem to feel just as worthless as before: you’re never thin enough, you’re not as successful as you’d like to be, or maybe you’re living a life that you KNOW you don’t want but you’re too afraid to do anything about it because it’s going to show the world that you’re a weak and shameful loser. So it’s better to just stay safe, and protected in the lie. Even though you feel suffocated and stifled by this life. Well if this sounds like you then you’re in good company – this is a universal human trait: to feel that we’re not good enough. And that’s because so much of the self is defined by things we learn from others. The brain we use to drive and make money is also the brain that computes risk based on a very specific structure we’ve built via our life experiences. So it’s natural to have grown up with a set of beliefs that are – to say the least – not in favor of your confidence and self-love.Read More
This is for anyone who chooses bad relationships, whether that’s friends or love interests. The reason I’m writing this is because I’m in love and I want everyone else to be too. Know that it exists, for you and everyone; it just takes a bit of learning and time to get to the point you’re ready to meet them. I will go through a few of the most common bad relationship personality types and why they are the way they are. Hopefully that awareness will give you insight into your why so that you can change who you look for, moving forward.Read More
When you feel bad about something, anything, and your brain is making you witness it over and over again. Maybe it’s an impending doom or something you wish you could change, what you must remember is that you don’t HAVE to experience this thought or feeling. It’s totally optional. In fact, you can decide to not experience it at all. It doesn’t mean that thing is not something you believe to be true, it just means you can decide you’re not going to waste any time at all being bummed about it. Why? Because it’s wasted energy. All negativity is wasted and can be changed with something as simple as a conscious decision. Because negativity is only hurting you – no one else. And therefore, it’s worthless and unloving. Not to mention, counterproductive. It doesn’t serve your fight or flight instincts, it just emotionally drains you and distracts you from more important things like action. It’s sucking away motivation you could otherwise apply toward something positive and productive, like feeling gratitude for what you do have that’s great in your life. Think about that for a moment.Read More
So you think you’re fat. And let me guess, you also think if you were just skinny, you’d be so happy and fulfilled that everything in your life would be wonderful and make sense. Also in this skinny life you might finally get that guy or girl you’ve had your eye on. And everyone will love you. Work, school, and life will be easier in general. I am sure you know where this is going. Of course you know logically that this fantasy is false, but it’s hard to emotionally let go of it. That’s the most important part of this thought process: it’s an emotional one, not a rational one, and therefore not a productive or healthy thought process to go through. Beating yourself up about food intake is not a healthy way to live, not only when it comes to physical health, but mental health. Which is where the key to physical health lies. True physical balance comes from mental and emotional balance. Not to mention the happiness that comes with feelings okay about your body and food. There’s nothing worse than being miserable at your own hand: hating yourself and punishing the body that you designate as separate from “you.”
If you feel you are fat or could be fat and it’s a terrifying prospect that’s out of your control, most likely the source of your feelings are in a place you’re not looking. It’s a deceptive issue that it veils itself in something we don’t consider a vice: food. But in a way because of that it’s much worse. How dare something rob you of the pleasure that should be natural in life: nourishment. Not to fear, this doesn’t have to be permanent, but it must be dispelled. And you must work to dispel it. And it’s a worthy pursuit. Fearing food and “being fat” can rob you of so much happiness and fulfillment in your life. In some cases it can literally take life.
In many cases issues with food come from a time long ago: a time when you were young and something made you feel you were not loved. This could have been a family dynamic or perhaps that someone hurt you to make you feel they did not love you. Most of the time as kids we digest acts we don’t understand as a reflection of ourselves, “If they don’t take care of us, that must be our fault.” Sometimes these feelings will cause us to feel our worth lies solely on our ability to make people love us, and that responsibility is to say the least, stressful. It’s also a misperception. That view of us is a picture that we paint around ourselves, and though sometimes our family dynamics can reinforce it repeatedly to us, it is not real. Relief from this pain is possible and with it more health and beauty come naturally. Decide that you want this relief for yourself, and walk towards it. It does exist.
Our family scenarios often set up a lot of how we deal with food. It becomes a way that we act out our role within our family: sometimes it’s the only control we have, other times it’s a way to refuse what we feel is a lie being fed to us. This all sounds extreme and hyperbolic for a person to do, but when it happens it’s a hidden emotional process that we are for the most part unaware of.
In other cases this obsession with food comes from stress or trauma: a time that made us feel so stressed or scare of what we couldn’t control that we displaced this fear and lack of control onto ourselves. Somewhere along the line, food becomes something to displace worry and stress and overlay feelings of lack of control. It becomes a metaphor for these feelings, but it’s not truly the source of these feelings.
The worst part of both of these things is that in the process suddenly your body becomes separate from “you.” This is when balance becomes difficult because you’re no longer able to feel what’s truly going on in your body.
When your body is a separate thing, no longer receiving nourishment when it needs nourishment but when your brain decides it should have it based on emotions, eating can turn into something scary or drug-like. There’s no logic or pacing other than a rollercoaster of emotions: you feel like you have no control and that is terrifying. When you eat too much you feel hugely upset. When you don’t eat enough, you’re starving.
Regardless of the cause, food becomes a thing that is no longer food but medication for something that emotionally triggers us. But this cycle is not permanent. It just needs to be “re-wired” by replacing the action. And that requires awareness, motivation, effort, and therapy. Any kind is good, as long as the underlying issues are addressed and dispelled. I also recommend yoga and meditation. I like to do downward dog or even touch my toes. Any inversion that will get the blood flow to your brain will do. Don’t take it lightly. It’s something that will give you much relief in life and it’s well worth it.
When it comes to actual physical health, when you’re in a mentally healthy mindset it’s just logical. It’s practical and approachable and not so terrifying. If you need to lose weight, you take steps toward that goal. You’ll exercise more. You’ll want to eat better and you will understand what your body wants. You’ll change habits that are unhealthy and you’ll be who you want to be.
The most important thing is to stay connected to your body at all times. Often when we’re stressed out or feelings of anxiety bubble up we tend to “stuff” them with things: a cigarette, a drink, or food. We distract ourselves from the things that upset us. It’s the way that we can become numb to our feelings, including whether or not we’re full.
Life is too short to spend any of it beating yourself up or hating yourself in any way. And it’s not necessary to be prettier or skinnier or healthier. All it does it rob you of the life you should be having and the happiness that you deserve. Be nice to yourself. Nurture and care for yourself. Protect and covet yourself. You are your body, and not separate from it. Never treat yourself like an enemy. You’re in the only body you’ve got. Be good to you.